Corn Diet!

Welcome back cobber

2010-10-04T21:49:00.002-04:00

I see our old friend Beck has linked to this historical artifact so I thought I would write a quick hello to newcomers. If you are used to reading her stuff you may find our blog is markedly unsophisticated, so go forward with some warning. Since this was written blog fashion, skip down to the bottom and start reading up for a chronological telling.

I (Larry) am not currently blogging anything.

You can find Erin on the road, playing sweet tunes.

NO MORE F@#$$%%^&* CORN!!!

2008-07-17T21:26:00.007-04:00

No more corn for this guy!

Never has the mall food court looked so good.

We both went with the burrito option, flour tortilla of course. Erin was brave enough to choose corn chips despite the fact they are made of corn! I wolfed my tube of food down too quickly and overwhelmed my shrunken belly. But oh it hurts so good.

My coworkers bought me some day old broken cookies to show me how much they loved and admired me. I could only eat one.

Erin was wiser and did not finish her food.

I am currently collecting my thoughts before posting a introspective, thought provoking epilogue.

Erin's Log Day 7: Freedom, Reflections, and Summation

2008-07-17T21:19:00.006-04:00

Hurrah hurrah loyal readers! The Diet of Corn hath ended! Hark! The bells of freedom doth ring from atop the highest mountain. They call out, "Eat corn no more, faithful followers, for your fast of kernels hath ended at noon this day." And so it was. The two who embarked on this stoical fast rejoiced, for they were to eat of the corn no more. Larry could hardly contain his emotion, and danced in the food court for all to see, while Erin giggled disturbingly behind the camera. Let's watch:

After the dancing had ended, the two were speechless. The looked to and fro, and all around them were fanciful treats of which they had not tasted in 7 days. How were the to choose? How were they ever to choose? So accustomed were they to eating identically, they decided to each get a burrito. The Lady of the Line of the Palace of the Burrito appeared to be under the "I-don't-give-a-shit" spell, a spell that is all to common in the Court of Food, cast by the great wizard The Man, so Larry's burrito took much longer to make than Erin's, and Erin waited at the table with her co-workers and greedily eyed her food, restless for his return. When Larry finally returned, unsuccessful at breaking the spell of the Lady of the Line, they awkwardly toasted burritos and ate of the meal so coveted for a week. (Sitting in between our burrito toasters is M-Jo, the originator of the idea)

Diet of Corn Summation:

Pounds lost: 3
Corn eaten: Shit ton
Tired of Corn: Very
Corny poop: Very
Respect gained: Endless

What did happen:

Corny poop
Weariness of corn
Awesome conversation topic for parties gained
Brief, but resolved cornstipation
Hilarity ensued

What did not happen:

We did not starve
We did not develop an allergy to corn (other than wanting to vomit when I think of it)
We were not terribly malnourished
We (I) was not unreasonably weak by week's end (Larry looked slightly pale)
We might have not irreparably damaged our digestive tract
We (I) was not quite gassy

Thank you for following our humble corn diet. It brought a tear to our eye to know so many were watching and hoping in our ability to abstain from non-corn foods. We hope that we did you proud. I have written a corn song to commemorate our fast-break from corn, so stay tuned.

Until the next corn, I bid you adieu.

Jill's Movie CORNer

2008-07-16T21:30:00.004-04:00

Children of the Corn
This movie made its debut in 1984, before our brave corn eater Erin was born. I remember my first taste of these sequels of movies. I was in high school, gym class to be exact and it was one of those days at the end of the year that the teachers didn't feel like doing a damn thing. So, my typical lesbian gym teacher decides to treat us with a showing of Children of the Corn Stephen King wrote this originally as a short story only later to become a movie worthy of talking about on this blog ONLY because it relates to corn. Well, actually only the title really. Anyways, the movie takes place in Nebraska where the future Jim Jones aka Malachai gets the local children in town to kill all of their parents. To tell you the truth, I don't know what teenage kid DIDN'T want to be a part of this town one time or another. I remember laughing hysterically when the kid gets hit by the car and goes flying ahead. Call me cruel if you will, but its only a damn movie people! OK so I gave the beginning away before I even explained it.
So a couple is traveling down the road in this town and hits this kid with their car. The woman winds up falling into the ruthless hands of the kid cult. So it goes on how the man tries to get the woman back, some useless sacrificial rituals, a creature which may have been the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz in disguise,Malachai gets a free chiropractic session on his neck and a Molotov cocktail to top it all off! The field goes up in flames, killing whatever and the couple thinks its a great idea for some kids to go live with them....blah, blah, blah, some evil kid survives the blaze and goes after them. So, there's like 6 more movies full of this crap you can watch if you didn't get your fix from this one.

I surrender to corn

2008-07-16T07:35:00.001-04:00

I think my gut has given up on the corn diet.

Last night I had two Murphy's Stouts at Southern Rail in Carrboro while watching the Squirrel Nut Zippers.

This morning was not pretty. I didn't photograph it but this photo captures the general state of things.

Erin's Log Day 5: Cornstipation

2008-07-15T17:57:00.004-04:00

Hello, dear readers! The 5th day of the Diet of Corn is rapidly receding and bringing us ever closer to the prized penultimate day of corn-exclusive dieting! I am so excited for this to almost be over! All day tomorrow I can boast that simply a day and a morn separates us from food variety. How awesome!

However, today I feel both a unique feeling and a very familiar feeling, and it is stronger than both anticipation and even temptation, but rhymes equally. It is cornstipation. In the past my intestines have been very sensitive, even say the word "grease" and they would shrivel up like a prune (they don't much like those either). But switching to an all fruit/vegetable/grain/chocolate diet has helped considerably, and I haven't had an episode since. Apparently too much of a good thing is a bad thing (though corn right now IS a bad thing) and my intestines can't make up their mind. All I know is that they will be happy to be off this diet as well, though I am a little bit worried about how they will react to the very sudden diet change. Maybe we should ease into it slowly.

In other news, I hope we go out for Mexican food on Thursday! I can almost taste those greasy chips and guacamole!

Until the morrow, I bid you adieu. Only one and half more days!

This is getting weird

2008-07-15T07:22:00.003-04:00

When we started this I think we assumed about 13 people would read this. Obviously, things have gotten a bit bigger than we anticipated.

I guess all I can say is Welcome Visitors! Enjoy dietofcorn!

Corn on the sob

2008-07-14T22:06:00.003-04:00

After Erin's chipper post about her rock-solid resolve, I must come to you with heavy heart.

I have sinned against you and the corn diet.

We went to the movies tonight and I was starving and I ate some movie popcorn (it wasn't buttered). I have no excuse to offer other than my obvious moral weakness. I shall eat my corn unseasoned tomorrow as penance.

Erin's Log Day 4: Corn is so Yum!

2008-07-14T15:38:00.007-04:00

We are well into Day 4 of the Diet of Corn, and almost to our goal of Thursday. We have decided to ceremoniously end our Diet of Corn by going out with our co-workers to our weekly Thursday lunch outing and making them pay for our non-corn lunch . It will be an extravaganza of food variety. Though, currently the restaurant on our pre-made list of restaurants (this is due to our inability to all agree where we are going in a timely manner) is a place where the only thing I can eat on their menu, would probably be corn (this is due to my veganism). So, that might need to be amended slightly.

Since we are over half-way through our week of corn, I will share with you some of my thoughts and observations at this point in our journey.

Observation #1: I do not feel any weaker/less lively/lethargic in any way. This could be due to the fact that I have been drinking plenty of juice and water and making sure to eat corn whenever I am hungry.

Observation #2: Right now the only corn products I can bring myself to eat are frozen corn with spices, and popcorn. That's it. Canned corn, that freeze dried stuff, and corn on the cob make me want to vomit even thinking about them. For realz. It's strange. So I've been alternating between frozen corn and popcorn to much success.

Observation #3: A tip to benefit those who desire to follow in our footsteps: only eat when you are really hungry. For me this has helped corn not get really tiring. I wait until corn actually sounds really appetizing, and then I eat.

Thought #1: I can't wait until Thursday!! I am going to make myself a huge batch of cookies, eat some guacamole, and some uber delicious movie theater popcorn (which surprisingly and disturbingly is vegan) at the midnight showing of the new Batman movie, which will taste so good compared to cardboard popcorn. This, honestly, is what is keeping me going: knowing HOW AWESOME food will taste on Thursday.

Thought #2: It is sooooooo surreal/gross/just plain weird to have your co-workers comment on your poop. Just so you know.

Observation #4: My real success in this endeavor has been my corn brother Larry. He has been strong when I have been tempted to be weak. I only continued on with the struggle by thinking of him saying, "Nay" to homemade guacamole and gingerbread at his barbecue and his meager lunch of corn on the cob for successive work days. I could not bear to let that all be in vain. I will not let you down, Brother! *sniffle*

That's all I have for right now. I have to run to the store today to grab some more frozen corn, as the two honkin' bags I got that were buy-one-get-one-free have been rapidly consumed. Who knew that you go through corn so fast when that's all you eat?!?!1?! It comforts me ever still to know that when I'm pouring the last of my bag of frozen corn into a bowl at breakfast, lunch, 2pm, 4pm, dinner, and 10pm, that more corn is only a 5 minute drive away.

Sweet corn dreams.

Another day of corn dawns

2008-07-14T09:19:00.004-04:00

I'm beginning to hate all things yellow.

Last night's supper was some roasted corn on the cob and leftover popcorn. I was really hungry and ate 4 ears of corn but gave up after that.

My grill wouldn't hold all the corn I had so I put a few ears on at the end but forgot them. They ended up being on the grill for about an hour.

Days 1 and 2 have "passed"...

2008-07-13T16:29:00.003-04:00

Here by popular demand, corn poop pictures. Warning! Only look at them if you are really sure you want to see nasty corn poop! I leave the decision up to you. My recommendation? Don't.

http://dietofcornpooplog.blogspot.com/

Enjoy...?

Erin's Log Day 3: Everyone Has Fun With Corn!

2008-07-13T12:14:00.004-04:00

Day 3 is off to a good start. Things are getting easier. I am now thinking about how lovely eating will be on Friday, and I know the taste of food will get better and better, so that is my new motivation.

In other news, everyone has fun with the Diet of Corn! I was taking a corn-induced nap and I wake up and start walking towards the bathroom, and my big brother says excitedly, "Are you going poop?" To this I replied, "No! I'm peeing! Settle down!" In addition to it being the current favorite topic of discussion for others everywhere I go, every time I'm cooking something my dad goes, "What are you making?" or "What are you having for breakfast/lunch/dinner?" and I always reply as if he actually didn't know already, as if it were an actual mystery: "Oh, I'm just heating myself up some corn." or "I'm kind of in the mood for corn!" or "I think I'm gonna eat some corn!" Also, every time there is discussion of food around me and what should be had for a meal, I always generously pitch in that I have a bit of extra corn back at the house, if they are interested, or that corn really goes well with fajitas/burritos/chicken/cheese sandwiches with mayonnaise.

Corn on!

And the corn rolls on...

2008-07-13T12:10:00.005-04:00

Polenta for supper and grits for breakfast. Still corn but at least the mouth-feel is different.

The search for grits was very informative. It is virtually impossible to find whole grain grits or cornmeal because the oil content of the germ makes them go rancid very quickly. To be shelf stable, the corn is degerminated. But the process is very basic and has been done in milling operations for a long time. Most quick grits sold in the grocery store are hominy grits. Hominy is corn that has gone through the Nixtamalization process that Erin explained earlier. Given that the process was invented 3000 years ago perhaps we should have considered including this type of corn in our diet!

Below is a comparison of grits and polenta. Obviously, the polenta is finer and cooks much more quickly. True whole-kernel grits apparently take over an hour to cook but mine only take about 6 minutes. From what I read polenta is just corn meal of a slightly different grind.

Shameless Music Plug

2008-07-12T19:00:00.001-04:00

Without further ado, a shameless music plug:

Hey, while you're here, check out my music!!

funny story

2008-07-12T16:51:00.003-04:00

I was in the kitchen at work and Jill was drying sweet potatoes for possum and woodchuck treats. I reflexively grabbed a couple and popped them in my mouth. As the delicious non-corn flavor poured over me I realized I had broken my vow. I quickly spit them in trash and said 12 "hail marys" and 2 "our fathers". Hopefully, I'm back on the track of rightousness.

In corn we trust,

LB

PS I'm definitely feeling light-headed this afternoon. I need to up my calorie intake to stave off Tom Hanks like delirium...

Day 2 thoughts

2008-07-12T12:56:00.004-04:00

This morning I had my niblets with cumin and cayenne and cooked them a bit longer. This was a big improvement over yesterday's plain niblets.

I was not enthusiastic about today's lunch of two ears of corn and some popcorn. Adding Texas Pete to the corn was a big improvement. I also bought some superfine popcorn salt that is pretty good. I was going to get the flavored stuff but most of it had a lot of sugar.

So far the corn diet has not had an effect on my digestive tract. I do feel my breath is a little strange but that may be the beginning of ketosis or something else related to my restricted calorie intake. I do feel a bit lightheaded today but they may be from working in the farmyard all morning.

I think I'm going to try some polenta with a lot of garlic tonight.

I also think I'm going to buy some corn holders...

Erin's Log Day 2: Confession

2008-07-12T12:08:00.003-04:00

Day 2 of the Diet of Corn is well underway, and I have a confession: I am tired of eating corn. However, a personal breakthrough has been made when, inspired by Larry's paper bag popcorn, I made some myself. I have found this to be quite satisfactory. In a separate bowl I put a little bit of water and mixed it with garlic salt and then put it in the paper bag after the popcorn was popped and mixed it all around. The result is a few pieces of garlicy salty popcorn that are a bit soggy (which takes away the staleness!) and the rest tasting oh so delicious. I am glad that I have found this, because as of last night the thought of eating corn made me want to puke. So perhaps I will subsist off of popcorn for awhile until that goes away, or I'm hungry enough to find it appetizing.

I will carry on. I will not let the Diet of Corn down.

I also have nothing to add to the corndietpoop blog as of yet.

great cookout, hope you enjoyed your non-corn food

2008-07-11T22:09:00.003-04:00

Just returned from a cookout function with Sandy's lab. There was grilled zucchini and burgers. Homemade guacamole with chips were served along with pickled artichokes. I had corn on the cob which wasn't bad but felt inadequate given the surroundings. As everyone had homemade gingerbread with whipped cream and apple cobbler with ice cream I had some more corn.

I went grits shopping on the way home and discovered all the grocery store stuff was instant grits which are hominy which has been processed excessively. Sandy will go to Whole Foods tomorrow and look for the good stuff.

Nothing to add to the corndietpoop blog yet.

Corn for lunch!

2008-07-11T12:45:00.002-04:00

I had two ears of corn for lunch. I was still a bit hungry so I popped some corn in a paper bag in the radar range. I added some salt and red pepper flakes to make it taste like salty, hot cardboard.

To torture me, Jill ate some Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn with delicious palm oil.

Erin's Log Day 1: Corn Shopping, etc.

2008-07-11T12:21:00.005-04:00

I have returned from corn shopping. I took my little sister with me to Earth Fare and while I perused the corn on the cob selection (10 cobs for $1.60--take THAT Larry!) she chanted the word "corn" for the entire shopping trip. I also picked up some yellow corn grits (ingredients: ground corn), an on sale can of corn, and this ridiculously expensive container of organic freeze dried corn. My plan is to use the grits and freeze dried corn to make my corn patties, and maybe a soup. We'll see how that goes.

When I returned home, I looked up "Corn" in the Joy of Cooking and got some good ideas. They had directions for oven roasted corn that I tried out. I made a sauce of lemon juice, garlic salt, and a bit of oregano and brushed it on the cobs, wrapped them in tin foil, and cooked them in the oven at 450 degrees for 8 minutes, turning every so often. It was pretty good, I would cook it for longer next time. The lemon juice really added that *something* that butter (or "butter" as it would be in my case) usually fills.

So far, so good!

And So it Begins

2008-07-11T09:05:00.004-04:00

I was pet sitting and found this unreasonably large can of corn (over a pound!) in their pantry. I believe it's a sign.

Happy eating!

Start the day off right!

2008-07-11T07:29:00.001-04:00

Mmmmm corn for breakfast.

Worst corn related product EVAR!

2008-07-10T22:08:00.004-04:00

While pondering the upcoming hardships on my co-workers digestive system, I thought of all the usefull things we do with corn. People make BILLIONS of dollars off of its "corny" goodness. Fuel, plastics, food... the list goes on and on. But, what about those shmucks that have to cash in and make every penny they can on useless products. My first thought went to corn holders, but then I remembered how usefull they really are when I dont want to get my hands all greasy. What else could there be? Well, fellow readers I give you THE POPCORN FORK WITH BUILT IN SALT SHAKER!
Its quoted as being the "The most unique eating utensil since the Dark Ages" They are so right, the spork was such a common idea.

What's for breakfast?

2008-07-10T21:28:00.002-04:00

Well I'm back from corn shopping. The good news is that corn on the cob was on special at the Kroger so I got 18 ears for 6 dollars. I also got a bag of frozen corn on sale. The weird looks I got were free. I couldn't find any plain pop corn. Some zit-faced clerk told me he didn't think they "made" it anymore. I decided to save my energy and not argue with him SINCE I'M EATING NOTHING BUT CORN FOR THE NEXT WEEK!!!!!!

A serving of corn is 2/3 of a cup according to my package (why not a full cup?). This golden helping contains 100 calories of cob-picking energy. Not surprisingly, corn has very little fat, only one gram. It has 21 grams of carbs that could be converted into ethanol and sold as wildly overrated biofuel. That serving has one gram of fiber which I suspect is contained in the husk and gives corn poop that distinctive look. Three grams of protein are modestly contributed by the maize portion. Corn has no Vitamin A so we risk rickets with this experiment. It also lacks Calcium and Iron. Therefore, I will likely be anemic and osteoporific by week's end. Corn does have Vitamin C so scurvy should be avoidable.

My last non-corn food for a while was a large bowl of awesome. Also known as, Breyer's peach ice cream.

The poop on corn

2008-07-10T18:05:00.000-04:00

The genesis of the corn diet was a conversation that occurred in the murky past regarding the nature of poop. Namely, what would your poop look like if you ate only corn.

This person has an erudite discussion of poop so I won't write anymore here.

If you do a Google(TM) image search for "corn poop" you get stuff like this guy on the right. He is from this awesome website. You also get a lot more graphic stuff but I'm not going to appeal to the lowest common denominator in society.

I'll leave that to Erin.

I'm going corn shopping soon. I'll let you know how that goes.

Amazingly, Kristen at work just put out a container asking for people to save their corn husks from home. Maybe she is making Hopi corn dolls or the like. Needless to say, her corn crib will be overflowing by week's end.

Warning: Second-Hand Exposure to the Diet of Corn May Cause Loss of Rationality

2008-07-10T16:11:00.000-04:00

For those just joining us, update thyself.

Every good scientific experiment starts out with the experimenters forming their hypotheses, or predictions about the outcome of the experiment. As the dawn of the Diet of Corn draws ever nearer, I find that I have formed no singular hypothesis. I am completely unopinionated as to what will happen. Could go any way. However, it appears that I am in luck! The Diet of Corn will not be without hypotheses! Fortunately for us, several people have taken the time and effort to do research and think about our humble experiment long enough to offer us some well thought-out hypotheses. Let's have a look at them!

Generously Offered Hypotheses (we didn't even ask for them!)

We will starve
We will develop an allergy to corn
We will be malnourished
We will be unreasonably weak by week's end
We will irreparably damage our digestive tract
We will be quite gassy

Thanks for your helpful and encouraging input, everyone! A shout-out also to those who have been carefully looking over our "allowed ingredients" list and getting back to us so very promptly with their constructive criticism. We are honored that you are so committed to the Diet of Corn experiment that you are concerned about the trivial ingredients we are allowing. Thanks for being so invested!

Today I have been savoring the taste of variety. I am simmering with ideas for corn patties. I am eating an entire thing of Oreo cookies.

Until tomorrow!

For Those Who Are Just Joining Us

2008-07-08T19:00:00.000-04:00

Only a brave few are willing to sacrifice their bodies and nutritional constitutions in the name of science. Fewer even still are willing to do it for free (besides a few dollars that a co-worker, feeling sorry for the participants, donates). On Friday begins the experiment that scientists everywhere will one day call, "That completely unscientific experiment where some idiots ate nothing but corn for a week."

Let's meet our brave idiots.

Larry is a man. He sometimes enjoys growing his beard out and shaving it down to various disturbing handlebar mustaches. He plans on using Tabasco sauce liberally on his corn.

Erin is a girl. She sometimes enjoys wearing a face-paint beard at Halloween, but always forgets to wash it down to disturbing handlebar mustaches. She plans on developing a kick-ass corn patty using nothing but the allowed ingredients of the diet.

Diet of Corn FAQ

What is the history and purpose of the Diet of Corn?
The Diet of Corn began in the brain of Erin and Larry's co-worker, M-Jo (like J-Lo). While Erin was still a minor, M-Jo offered her $20 to eat nothing but corn for a week and keep a photo journal, curious as to what the "end result" would be. M-Jo got into some light trouble for trying to pay a minor to eat nothing but corn, so the idea was abandoned. One day, years later, while re-telling the story, Larry took interest and he and Erin decided to do it on their own. M-Jo has since backed out completely and is neither participating nor offering financial backing. The motivation now has changed from profit to scientific interest. And an excellent conversation topic at parties that both disgusts and fascinates.

What can one eat while observing the Diet of Corn?
The accepted items for consumption are:

Any item of corn prepared in a way that it does not excessively tamper with it (such as nixtamalization, a process corn goes through to make foods such as grits and corn chips), i.e. frozen corn, corn on the cob, canned corn, etc. Cooking, baking, boiling, popping, grilling, George Forman Grilling, and frying the corn is acceptable (as long as no oil is used).
Any zero-calorie spice, such as salt, pepper, thyme, Tabasco sauce, mustard, etc. can be used.
Beverages on the Diet of Corn are not as strictly regulated, but both participants have agreed to abstain from dairy.

So...will you be taking pictures of your poop?
Yes. Yes we will.

What if I want to read the blog but don't want to see pictures of your poop?
The idea is that the blog will be updated with thoughts, musings, complaints, etc. so you can have an idea of what it is like to subsist solely on corn for a week. The "fecal photos" will somehow be obscured from view, so that you would have to actively want to see them. They will not be forced upon you. So read on without fear of accidental poo viewing!

When does the Diet of Corn begin and how long will it last?
The Diet of Corn begins in the A.M. of Friday, July 11th and ends in the P.M. of Thursday, July 17th.

Are the participants of the Diet of Corn allowed to back out in the event that serious health issues occur?
No. The Diet of Corn is to be observed to the death.

So let the experiment begin! All questions, comments, or monetary encouragements are welcome.

ROFLMAOBBQOMG!!1

2008-05-11T12:59:00.000-04:00

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

History of Corn

2008-05-03T12:50:00.000-04:00

Corn is good! Corn is great!

Eat it today! See it tomorrow!

Corn has been on the minds of humans for over 80,000 years. Being a member of the grass family, its been used for centuries for many different purposes. Grown first by the Mayans, Aztecs and Inca it provided sustenance and energy for the pilgrims to plunder the US of A. It was also used as payment instead of those primitive wampum beads!

Today corn (along with growth hormones)is used to feed a majority of livestock. However, corn at one time was the vegetable of the devil since it can be used in the production of alcohol.

Corn diet !

2008-04-23T09:45:00.000-04:00

III Corinthians 22:12-14

And lo shall they eat of the kernel that groweth on the cob. The days they shall eateth will be many and their passages shall be recorded in the book of life. Of no other beast of the field, or bush of the Earth could they partake.

So let it be written, so let it be done